For the fourth and final installment of this series I would like to focus on practical tips parents can use with their sons in everyday life. I would like to start with a disclaimer. All the advice I’m about to give is based on my personal views and perceptions drawn from my experience of working in the mental health field for over twenty years. Perhaps the defining characteristic of the mental health field is that at the end of the day, it is up to the therapist to decide which techniques to use at which times. A different therapist would choose something else. So please don’t get discouraged by all the differing advise. Your gut feeling as a parent is a least as good as a therapist’s. Take what you like and leave the rest.

The first piece of advice I would give anyone who would like to help their son be able to learn is to work on their own emotional program first. I have received a lot of questions from people concerning married men and their issues with learning. At any age, men need a support system. As parents, it is up to us to determine who will provide our boys with that support. It could be their wives, or mothers, or fathers, or brothers. Or it could be other people, whose influence is less desirable. It all depends on who the boys feel accept them the most. If we want our sons to be able to turn to us, we are going to need to be able to hear very uncomfortable things at times, like very negative things about learning. We need to be able to look them in the eye and say that it’s normal to feel that way. If we can’t, then the child will have a harder time normalizing that emotion and being able to learn. If you are having difficulty understanding and accepting your own emotions, you can use my seminar — available at www.emotionalmeseminar.com — or other professional advice to help you.

In fact, if the home setting is “safe” (meaning that no feelings are scary) and the boy’s feelings and needs are tended to, then which yeshiva he goes to is not so important. Yes, I know that there is big commotion over making the yeshiva fit perfectly with the boy. But in practice I just haven’t seen that it’s so important. The family is still the most important factor for a child’s success in learning. If he has that support, there is nothing that can stop him in his pursuit of greatness. In any case, I feel the rebbeim in most yeshivas are getting more talented as time goes on, especially when it comes to emotional education.

The second piece of advice is to embrace the boys’ physically active nature. There are many boys who are not so physically active. But the perception that only the “idle,” quiet, non-active boys can sit and learn is ridiculous. Most boys are physically active. In fact, the list of gedolim who started out very rambunctious is quite long. If they had been shamed at home for being that way, it is doubtful that they could continue their path to greatness. Fathers should accompany their sons as much as possible on their hikes, trips to amusement parks, and other such activities. For boys to see their father — who usually sits and learns — doing something physically active is a priceless lesson that cannot be learned from a book.

My third piece of advice is to pay attention to good nutrition. Most of the food we eat today is scientifically not called food. The brain is the main vehicle which our boys use to learn. Therefore, one of our top concerns should be what affects their brains. What food they eat clearly plays a big role in this. We can let go of trying to control what happens on Shabbos and Yom Tov and still have plenty of days to give our boys nutritionally dense food to help them learn.

I have really appreciated all your comments and questions. Please keep them coming! They help me help many people.

Thank you! Hatzlacha!