We have a problem that we seem to not be able to remedy in modern times: The struggling young men in our yeshiva system are labeled as “unsuccessful” before they are given the chance to succeed. Some boys do have problems learning, some boys just don’t want to learn.

Many people come out and say that there are many boys who are just not cut out for learning. There is a wave of new yeshivas coming out now accommodating this new approach. As praiseworthy as these people are for their love of these young men, I feel that sometimes more can be done to help boys remain and succeed in the regular yeshiva system. R’ Shlomo Lorincz once asked the Chazon Ish, “Why don’t we start trade schools for bochurim who aren’t successful in learning?”

The Chazon Ish replied, “Because we just don’t know who will be successful and who not.” R’ Shlomo clarified, “I’m referring to the boys in yeshiva gedola (who are around 18 years old).” Again the Chazon Ish explained that even at that age, we still don’t know if they will be successful in learning or not. He even went as far to say that he knew a gadol hador who at 18 was not at all successful in learning!

As a psychotherapist, my job is not to push a person into a certain direction in life. I have to take into account the person I see before me, and help them become who they really are. I clear away the garbage, and I see the miracle of this person becoming healthy and loving. I don’t tell people what to do. I help them deal with their issues so that they can figure it out themselves from a healthy place.

There are few common themes of pain that I see with bochurim:

The first one is that there is a big emphasis on boys “producing,” whether by going to work or by learning. Lots of young men don’t feel they have any value to their family or community unless they produce. Many bochurim feel empty and alone—that they’re only allowed to share a part of their personalities—because that’s the part that’s “productive” and acceptable. The loneliness pervades their life even when they’re married. They often feel unlovable and shamed.

Ironically, even if they’re successful in learning, that doesn’t seem to help. I find it almost inevitable that the star bochur plotzes after so many years of this emotional neglect. Boys are not as emotional as women, yet they do have an emotion side, and it also needs to be nourished. Some rebbeim call this the derech eretz kodma latorah chelek. Just as the physical part of a person needs nourishment in order to be able to learn, so too does the emotional.

This is where diagnoses can be a hindrance to helping our bochurim. The DSM is the handbook for the mental health community. It includes all the diagnoses that are recognized in the psychological world. The benefit of using the DSM is that if a mental health professional has to refer a client to another professional, they can talk in terms of the client’s diagnoses. This way they both have a general idea of what is going on with the client (even though it’s very common for two professionals to have different diagnoses).

But when we use these diagnoses too often, there is a really big down side. “He has ADHD, or BPD,” “he is OCD.” When we throw these letters around, it’s almost as if we put this Jewish child with a nishmas kel-chai on a shelf and distance ourselves from them. This is the total opposite of what they need—connection and acceptance of who they are as people. When they get that, the “production” part of their lives is not that difficult to accomplish. I hope to continue this series in four parts. I will explain bochurim and the issues they face,along with some solutions to hopefully help them continue learning.