Over the past twenty years I’ve had the zechus to work with some very special people. I’ve worked with roshei yeshiva, rabbonim, magiddei shiur, and poskim. Over the years of working with men, I’ve come to explain them with my own drush. Chazal tell us nashim daasan kalos, women have soft/light intellect. Not that they don’t have intellect, it’s just “soft.” A diyuk one could make from this is that men have “hard” intellect. Women can get emotional and lose themselves for a bit. But then they’ll get back to themselves and be perfectly okay. I have worked with very bright women and seen this to be true. Men, on the other hand, if they get knocked down they don’t get back up so quickly. In fact, they might break. People are like trees in a storm. If they are “soft” and flexible they will bend and survive the harsh winds, but if they’re too hard and stiff they will simply break. You might have heard of the sensitive male ego. Well, I’m here to explain to you how true it is. When built up correctly, a Jewish man can withstand just about any opposition. This trait is crucial for surviving this galus with our yiddishkeit intact. When done incorrectly, men can very stubbornly defend their poor behavior.
Seventeen years ago, I worked in a drug rehab center for adolescents boys. Out of the full time staff, I was the only one that was frum. Even though the institution was owned and run by frum people, they were too scared to hire frum staff. All the boys came from Torah observant homes, but were no longer so observant themselves (to put it mildly). Not only that, the boys were very antagonistic towards anyone with any semblance of Jewish identity. The administration was not only concerned about upsetting the patients, they were sincerely scared for frum staff members’ physical wellbeing. I think that the administration had good intentions. They wanted to avoid any unnecessary negative experiences in rehab. So they avoided hiring frum staff, until I convinced them otherwise. When they did hire me, they practically begged me not to do anything “too Jewish.” “You can wear a kippa in public,” they said, “but learning, davening, and benching should all be done in private.
I first came for a Shabbos. I made a chulent (what’s Shabbos without chulent?), sang zemiros, said a shtickle Torah, and benched — all in public. At first the kids were shocked. They started looking at each other as if to say, “Does this guy know he’s in serious trouble?” I was never good at following rules; that’s why I work in private practice now. Some kids started to get up and scream at me. The non-Jewish staff started coming into the dining room, thinking it would turn violent. It didn’t. I told the staff that everything was okay, it was a family issue and they could leave. I sat there and let the boys scream and rant. Some left to go to their rooms, but most stayed. After about an hour, or so the screaming turned into conversation. Many started crying and sharing their personal stories about the Shabbos table. For most of these kids, Shabbos had not been the day of rest and spiritual rejuvenation that it’s supposed to be. It was usually the day when all the members of their dysfunctional family came together. All of that craziness in one place wasn’t so good. By the end of that Shabbos I had become very
close with many of the boys.
On Monday I was called in to the director’s office. He told me I had really stirred the pot. Now most of the boy required more intensive therapy to deal with issues that they hadn’t dealt with in years. Surprisingly, he didn’t fire me. I worked there stirring up the pot for close to a year. I’ve seen many of those boys in Israel, frum and learning Torah.
Just like some boys with difficulty learning need acceptance of their feelings to help him feel whole and supported, these boys needed the same thing for their healing process. The problem is though, with feelings the only way out is through. I’ll repeat that, because it’s so important: The only way out is through!
We cannot be afraid to have a painful dialogue with our bochurim. To do this correctly we must be okay with these negative feelings ourselves. The book Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John M. Gottman, can be a good starting place to learn how to do that. In some cases you might need professional counseling to help you feel and accept your uncomfortable feelings. It’s worth it though. When a boy feels it’s okay to feel any feeling — even failure — he can walk through fire.
Wishing you hatzlacha!