A case I often see in couples is when one spouse over-criticizes the other. It’s done almost with zeal. No matter what good things the other spouse does, it’s met with nothing other than criticism. As far as the critical spouse is concerned, it’s almost impossible for the other spouse to do anything positive. With such an atmosphere, it soon becomes very difficult to function normally. Where does that come from? How come the critical person can’t seem to see anything good?
By looking how people treat others, we can see how they treat themselves. When it comes to criticizing others, I see that it often comes from a lot of self-shame. Guilt is when we feel bad about something we did wrong. That’s OK. Shame is when we feel bad as a person for who we are. That’s harmful. Very often this shame is so internalized that the person is not even aware of how much pain they are in.
A fairly accurate emotional equation is that the less we are in touch with a feeling, the more we act on it. The more we avoid the feeling, the harder it is to actually feel.
Our eating becomes centered around that as well—we eat foods that help us not feel. This is usually not a conscious behavior. The thinking goes, “Hmm, what would make me feel good right now?” The answer usually is sugar and caffeine. These two instant gratification sticks of dynamite are the go-to pick-me-ups for the type A gogetter personality. The amount of pleasure that they give in the short run is pretty much how much havoc they cause down the road.
That’s because moving fast and cheshbon hanefesh don’t work too well together. Everyone has boundaries and limitations. Our goal is to recognize those limitations and see if we can gently, gradually push them back. Emotional and spiritual growth is a slow process. Yes, I realize how unpopular it is to say that. What I have seen, though, is that the slower the growth is, the more sustained it is over a longer period of time. A lifestyle of intense overworking is not sustainable—and our families are usually the korbanos in our process of learning that. Sugar and caffeine obliterate our natural boundaries and give us the feeling of invincibility. In that revved-up state, we say a lot of hurtful things to the ones we love without realizing it. And over time, the health problems that they give us make it hard to function at all.
The question is, how do we change the cycle? Reading this article or ones similar to it are only the beginning. People only really learn (and change) by experiencing healthy living. Once we feel the difference, we can then make a decision to live healthfully. We can only appreciate the light when we have dark, and vice versa. The negative times in our lives can be used as learning periods to motivate us to pursue more spiritually, physically, and emotionally healthy lives in the future.
The point I’m getting at here is that to stop the cycle, we need a break from the norm. In today’s language we call this a detox. A detox is refraining from some type of behavior. There could be an electronic detox, a media detox (something I recommend often), a food detox, or even an unhealthy friend detox. You choose a detox that’s suitable for you based on the other responsibilities that you have in your life. For a mother with lots of little children and a full time job, I would not recommend a juice fast for a week. But perhaps a day or two would work fine. Or a week of no gluten or sugar. Or a month of no processed foods at all! There will be a period of discomfort in the beginning. But I promise you that it’s worth it.
Think which detox suits you, and take action. You can only choose health once you have experienced it.